|
EditingPornFilms
http://20six.co.uk/editingpornfilms
powered by
20six.co.uk
|
|
Thursday
Yesterday i read about a guy who got sacked from Waterstone's for mentioning them on his blog. Unfortunately i read it after i had put myself in a similar situation. Whoops!
The Waterstone's guy slagged off his boss and had a bit of a moan about his employers on his blog which is why he got sacked. I haven't had any reason to do that about my bosses as yet, they're both pretty cool and i enjoy almost every aspect of my job (apart from having to get up at 6.55am!) so i should be alright in that department. Apparently he brought Waterstone's into "disrepute".
What i've gone and done is put our new hilarious viral email video clip (the one from Tuesday's post) in the hands of a friend of a friend who works at Loaded magazine. They are saying they might include it on their web site and their newsletter, which has 10,000 readers, and also the Nuts magazine site/newsletter too. Obviously my boss was overjoyed by the this and will be keeping an eye out for the coverage very closely. That's not the bad bit. The bad bit is that my friend also told Loaded about this blog which nobody at work knows about.
So, they could potentially use both on the same newsletter thus putting my blog straight into the hands of my bosses! Doh!
Aaaaah, screw it, i'm not worried really. I haven't said anything derogatory about anyone i work with (quite the opposite) and i think they'll probably find it hilarious if they end up reading this someday (Hello guys! Don't sack me!)
Besides, I don't know how i can bring a hardcore porn company into disrepute - we exist solely in that state! It's our trade! I suppose i could get sacked for showing the company in a good light or something.
So if you regular readers are suddenly joined by 20,000 beery Loaded and Nuts readers (unlikley i think) then i apologise in advance. I have but one rule for all who enter here...
NO FOOTBALL SHIRTS.
|
|
|
Tuesday
Two stories.
1. Well the first one was my dream. The night before last i had what, at the time, seemed like the perfect dream. That doesn't mean it was a good dream either. It was the perfect dream in the same way that Se7en was the perfect film - anyone who has seen Se7en will know what i mean. No loose ends were left and it all made perfect sense in the end, every plot line was fulfilled and every character taken to their logical conclusion.
My dream was the same. At the time when i became semiconscious half way through it was making perfect sense and seemed to be flawless in it's attention to detail. Unfortunately to tell you exactly what happened would take a while and seeing as i'm on a train and already running late i'll give you the bare bones.
There i was, at my Girlfriend's brothers outdoor farmyard Pharmacy and all was well. The shaved Owls behind the counter were asleep and to wake them up i began hooting in a way i thought they'd understand. Sure enough they awoke but in an extremely bad mood and set about flapping and squawking and destroying the pharmacy. This upset all the other animals, especially the rottweilers, and so all hell began to break loose as the place rapidly turned into a cross between a battlefield and an evil petting zoo. My girlfriend's brother was freaking out and we had to flee toward a small building on the village green. As we got close we caught up with Hugh Laurie and Griff Rhys Jones who were trying to evade the rottweilers too and were seriously pissed off with me for causing such a mess. The situation escalated to such a scale that the streets were no longer safe and it was a state of national emergency.
That was kind of the first act of the dream. What followed was truly horrible and left me with a terrible sensation of sadness and guilt even after i'd woken up. The havoc i'd caused had a huge impact on the local area that nobody could recover and i was entirely to blame. It also turned out that one of my closest friends, Bruce, had owned all or part of the farmyard pharmacy and i had ruined his livelihood, leaving him with nothing. This meant all of my friends were turning their backs on me and nobody would talk to me. A car load of friends met me in a car park, completely ignored me and one of them was crying as they drove away, distraught at the problems i had caused. I could only feel utterly alone and hated myself for what i had done.
The only saving grace was that one person stood by me - my girlfriend. She didn't seem to care what i'd done and helped me hide in a bed in a car park, pulling the duvet round me tightly and protecting me.
Like i said, this dream seemed to be perfectly sensible whilst i was in the thick of it and i'm assuming that the second half was the important half. Probably another insecurity dream, i have plenty of those, although they usually involve me being naked at school. If the shaved owls or Hugh Laurie sound significant then let me know, i don't know any dream analysts. Answers on a postcard please.
It's hard to describe why this seemed like the perfect dream but i just had an overwhelming feeling that all this made sense and that it was perfectly logical for everyone to hate me.
We had a dream book at school that said if you dreamt of spaghetti you were a homosexual. That's just common sense though right?
2. Answer machine message. On monday morning we checked the messages and apart from the usual raincoats ordering their DVD's we got this call from a gentlemen who wanted us to see his home movie. Tragically after nearly 3 minutes the machine cut him off before he'd finished his story or had time to tell us who he was.
I can't be arsed to type out what he said so, thanks to a friend with some free web space, you can hear the file here
Whether or not the story about him filming his video is true or not he clearly enjoyed making the call (from a phone box?) and is possibly one of the funniest things i've ever heard. Oh, and even though it's a video clip, there's nothing dirty to watch so you can view it at work without the boss having a connery. Enjoy!
|
|
|
Wednesday
Work Christmas lunch. People have been asking me all week what our Christmas do is like -
"Wow, it must be pretty wild, porn stars, cocaine, big party?"
"No, actually we play board games"
"Board games???"
"Yeah. We go somewhere for lunch, have a few drinks and then it's back to the office for board games. 'Mousie Mousie' to be exact."
"Riiiiight"
"It's a game for 2-6 players, ages 7 and up."
"Ooookaaaay"
It must be disconcerting for people to hear that a company responsible for making hardcore porn films has a tamer party than the Putney branch of Nat West probably has. Sorry, what can i tell you? That we all snorted angel dust out of the ass crack of a freshly trafficked Serbian prostitute before going to an exclusive members bar in Soho and getting kicked out for insulting Madonna and having a ruck with De Niro's bouncers?
That was last year. Except that's a lie. Last year we did exactly the same thing - Lunch, drinks, Mousie Mousie. Good wholesome fun. We deserve one day off from debauchery a year.
Merry Christmas everybody, forget all that Jesus rubbish and get down to some serious scoffing in front of some shit family movie on ITV. Fuck the christainisation of Christmas.
|
|
|
Tuesday
Thanks for the 'blogsnog' whoever that was!
"How was that Raymond?"......."Wet!" - from Rain Man.
Why couldn't you own up to it though?
|
|
|
Monday evening.
OK, i changed the layout. This notepad thing is a bit bone but it's better than that grey one i had for ages. It doesn't have that floating calendar which i know has pissed people off.
Anyway, it's just the layout. Welcome to give-a-shit-night.
|
|
|
Manic Monday
Yeehaw, Monday. Great.
Made sufficient progress on friday not to have to worry over the weekend and sauntered into work an hour late today and casually set about repairing Dickhead's mess (the freelancer mentioned last week.) I even had time to check my emails, read the couple of comments on this blog (funny_teacher thinks my girlfriend is going to leave me, sometimes i wonder too) and have a good long browse through the map of dance music
Listening through the different types of hardcore gabba is some of the some of the most fun you can have on the internet (aside from the David Blunkett Policy Maker which is out of date now i guess but had me in stiches for at least 2 hours when i first went there!!!).
Anyway, i was the Fonz of porn editing today, so cool it hurt. I even kept going to the bathroom to check my hair.
Should be able to get this damn movie in to the BBFC by Thursday, then i might even look good in the eyes of the bosses. "Your stock is rising number 2."
Nothing grubby to talk about today really, you sweaty little perverts will have to use your imaginations for a change.
|
|
|
Thursday
OK, the nightmare continues. I got through checking 2 scenes today. These are scenes that have already been "edited" by Dumb-Ass the freelancer. I had to re-cut about 50% of each one as they looked, at best, half finished.
I took a brief look at one of the scenes that's left to do before i left tonight (an hour late i might add!). It was tragic. Not the editing, not the sound and not even the acting. The tragedy was a penis.
We have used a couple before who used to only work together. We cast them in a scene before because we wanted to shoot her, not him. But seeing as you couldn't have one without the other we shot both. Now they both work with other people so we booked them again (not sure why we booked both when we only want her, maybe they will work with other partners only when the other half is involved too? That's fair enough i guess). This time we also booked another stud (fairly well known and very reliable) to make up the threesome in a boy/boy/girl scene.
Now then, on a previous shoot we had jokingly referred to the male half of our swinging couple as "Mini-cock" (not to his face i must add) due to the size of his penis. The dear little thing must be all of 4 or 5 inches (not THAT short really) but, unfortunately, really quite thin as well. All in all, width x length - not an impressive weapon, certainly for a porn stud anyway. There's no way the guy would be getting work if it weren't for his cute missus and the 'couple' rule they were enforcing.
Unfortunately for Mini-cock the other stud on this shoot was hung like a horse. A very big horse. We'd never seen Mini-cock's thwacker next to another man's before and this was surely worst-case-scenario for the little fella.
Predictably it was a nightmare for our tiny friend as he had to watch his girl sucking and fucking this rival whopper and soon became as limp as Elton John's wrist. He was up and down for the duration of the scene and probably wished he'd never got out of bed that morning. Poor Mini-cock! Apparently the other stud offered to stunt-cock some of the positions for him but with the size difference it just wasn't feasible.
It's tragic to watch, at least the rushes are. The finished version will probably contain some clever trickery (on my part naturally) that will lead the viewer to believe that Mini-cock had the time of his life. Repeating footage, mirroring repeated footage and using soft angles that look like he's penetrating when he's not, that kind of thing.
I'm not giving too much away am I?
I'm not going to go into the details of the other scene i worked on today but it did feature a rather special move. The stud took off the girls bikini bottoms and inserted them, in their entirety, into her vagina. He left them there for 5 minutes or so as they went about their oral positions and then proceeded to remove them with his teeth.
If the viewer goes out to make a cup of tea at the crucial moment of insertion then he'll have a hell of a surprise when he comes back and sees them being removed!
"Where the fuck did they come from?" You'd be sitting there wondering what else she's got up there. It would be like that bit in Jaws when they cut that shark open to find a number plate in it's stomach. Yikes!
|
|
|
[first page] [previous page]
[next page]
|